Please put your junk away

No, I wasn't talking to my children...I was talking to you.  Yeah, you....the guy with the not so impressive penis that's splashing his junk all over the internet!  Nobody wants to see that. Especially when they are just randomly looking at different blogs to find some new ones to read!  Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be confronted with your junk?  I wouldn't go spreading eagle and putting my lady lumps all in your face!
We know you're proud of it, but was it really necessary to decorate it in Christmas lights?!  I don't know how exactly, but I'm sure that's blasphemous.....And it's JUST PLAIN NASTY!  What if your mom/aunt/grandmother/sister/pastor's wife someday stumbles upon your blog?  What then?  How on earth are you going to explain to them that all the effort that was put into raising you resulted in you being a perverted jack ass that's flaunts his business for free?  I feel sorry for your mother......you are a horrible son

Dear Vodka, I miss you terribly

Dear Vodka,

I miss you terribly.  I know I pushed you away and I'm really sorry.....Really, Really, Really Sorry.  My life just hasn't been the same without you.....For instance, the other day, I saw a fat lady wearing spandex and I didn't even laugh!  It just made me sad that she would seriously let her 200 lb gut hang out of and over her spandex pants....however, seeing her reinforced my decision to stay away from you for a while....I will not become the fat lady in spandex.  I will (eventually) become the hot, thin chick in booty shorts....and to do that you and I must part ways....please take your friends crown and  budlight with you....someday we will meet again....I can guarantee it.....Until then I'll be thinking of you.....

Cheating Whores

I am fairly new to the world of blogging, but feel like I have some life experience.  I don't think there's a whole lot out there that I haven't seen or at least heard of.  In my world, cheating exists.  It happens everyday for whatever reason even though I think it's wrong.  (I think fat girls wearing an extra small size anything is wrong too, but those bitches keep on!)  Now, cheating on your high school boyfriend is one thing......it's still wrong but you're young and you're not sure what you want, and you may have been drunk, but hopefully not married.  Cheating on your spouse is totally different!  And people are blogging about it!!  And posting naked pictures of themselves! (but I'll blog about that later).  Back to Cheating,  this is wrong on soooo many levels, but let's just explore a few.

1)  Marriage is sacred.
  It's actually one of the few things I consider sacred.  It's like up there with Vodka!  When you got married, you vowed to be there through sickness and health, good and bad.  And I'm sure there's something about fidelity in there.  Don't get me wrong, If you and your partner have an open marriage that you have both agreed to, Then by all means have your cake and eat it too!  However, if that's not the case then it's time to nut up or shut up.  Either you confront your significant other about your unhappiness or sit there being unhappy and be quiet about it.  Does it really make sense to go fuck somebody else because you're unhappy today with your current relationship? No...for me it doesn't.  If you're that unhappy, then get out first and then go fuck somebody else.

2)  Rule #1 when cheating: Don't get caught.
If you're already cheating, then you know this is the basic rule of cheaters.  Getting caught starts all kinds of drama, and most cheaters are trying to stay drama free.  So if you're trying not get caught, don't blog about it!! Seriously, I was so shocked that these people are documenting all their cheating ways.  If you really want to exploit all your freakiness and you feel the best way to do that is to blog about it, then at least don't openly admit on your blog that you're married and this blog is about the people you meet on Ashley Madison and have affairs with.  I know the Internet is a big place, but there's always that small chance that someone is going to find it and report it to your significant other.

3)  Getting caught sucks.
It sucks huge hairy s.t.d.-infected balls.  And it sucks for everyone involved.  You and your cheating partner aren't the only ones who are gonna get hurt.  You have potentially become a home-wrecker.  You've taken a husband/wife, mom/dad, girlfriend/boyfriend away from someone else.  You have probably fucked someone up for life.  They will never see long-term relationships the same again.  All because you wanted to be a cheating whore.

BAH HUM-BUG!

I hate this time of year...I hesitate to say I hate Christmas, cause I'm sure that's blasphemous and I'm sure I'm already going to hell so I don't need to give Jesus any more reasons to hate me on the slim chance I'm not going, but anyway I digress....I absolutely loath this time of the year.  

First, there's the weather.  It's cold.  I know most fat people are always hot and I usually am, but there's no way to stay warm in 30 degree weather!  I don't care how big you are!  It's just not gonna happen.  And either I'm old, or the cold really is seeping into my bones like some kind of weird disease.  It's not cool!

Second, there's the shopping.  I, unlike most women, also hate shopping!  I have to be in an awesome mood and have lots of time and money or by the end of the first store I'm really pissy...and by really pissy I mean I'm a total fucking bitch!  It gets worst at this time of year, cause everyone is shopping...at the same time...in the same fucking stores.  So inevitably there's someone trying to make small talk with me while I'm trying to dig in the piles of stuff that have been thrown around for the past 3 weeks cause I'm the only dumb ass who waited till Christmas Eve to go shopping, And let's not forget to mention the people who smell or just look gross that can't/won't move out of your way when you're trying to squeeze past them to see if by some fucking Christmas miracle you can find something in a different size/color.

Third, there's the pressure.  Whoever said "It's the thought that counts" was either really fucking nice or really fucking stupid cause I have given and received some really shitty presents.  Usually cause I wait till Christmas Eve to go shop, but whatever.  I used to be able to get away with $5 dollar toys at Wal-Mart for the majority of the people on my lists. Sadly those little people have grown up some and become snotty ass mid-sized people who want better stuff....fuckers. And I don't even like some of these little fuckers!  They get on my damn nerves, and I don't really want to buy them shit, but AAA thinks just cause they're our nieces and nephews we should buy them a gift! Oh yeah, and I do all the shopping and wrapping, cause AAA sucks at it and Loli (my sister) is too lazy to do it before she mails them to me.

Fourth, there's my wallet.  I am a poor Mexican.  I don't want to spend my hard earned money buying gifts that the before mentioned little fuckers aren't even going to appreciate.  And some of those little fuckers can't even pretend to like that shit.  Their fucking mothers need to teach those little assholes some manners!

And last, but not least, there's the requisite family time.  I love most of my extended family.  Sadly the one's I actually like live 7 to 10 hours away (They live in Dallas but I've never made it there in less that 7 hours and they say it's supposed to be a 6 hour drive, idk) making it difficult to see them for holidays.  So usually, my extended family here  plans a family dinner and doesn't bother to invite me.  That goes for maternal and paternal relatives.  It's not a big deal except that they don't invite Mother either.  AAA's family all loves each other and they get together all the time and everyone is invited and they have a good time with each other and they're like the fucking Brady Bunch multiplied like a dozen times cause we're mexicans.  That's all great too.  There's actually a few of them I like.  The tricky part of the requisite family time is figuring who I'm going to abandon on Christmas Day.  Do I stay home and cook a meal so Mother doesn't feel abandoned, or do I let Adrian go alone to his family's dinner?  Mother is a very unappreciative bitch who will abandon me at about 6 to go to the bar with her ho-bag friends.  (And before I get any shit, for the last sentence, Bitch you don't know my life and you damn sure don't know Mother, so STFU!)  By this time, AAA will be in asshole mode because all day he has heard "Where's Maria and The Girls?  Are you guys fighting again?  Does she think she's too good for us?" and so on, so he's no fun to be around either. 

And so, here I am again....4 days before Christmas....with no plan and no presents...FML

The Bitch is Back

Hello Lovers!

I'm sure you've noticed I've been gone, and I do apologize.  The sad truth is, my shitty job has gotten shittier and they are actually making me work.....and I don't have anything interesting going on so.......yeah......this is awkward.......kinda like when you wake up naked next to an ugly dude who is equally naked and you have no clue who he is or how you got there.......

Why Whooty is the Best

Whooty - White Girl with a booty

Now you know why I call my best friend Whooty.

Why is she the best?

 BECAUSE I FUCKIN' SAID SO GODDAMNIT!!

And also, because she is my down ass bitch!  She is someone who knows all my secrets,  knows all my fears, and accepts my crazy ass for who I am.  And also, she almost kicked some home-wreckers' ass last night at the bar because and said home-wrecker was talking shit and Whooty is holding a grudge on my behalf..... WHOOTY ROCKS!!

My first Halloween

So, I dressed up for a Halloween party this weekend....for the first time ever!

See when I was little we didn't celebrate Halloween, because it's a Satanic holiday and my parents were into the whole church thing.....or they were being super cheap and lazy....idk.  But they said it was a Satanic Holiday and we couldn't celebrate.  Needless to say as a kid I felt cheated.  I wanted to be like all the other kids and dress up and go get candy.  My parents and grandparents always made sure they bought a bunch of candy so we could munch as well as pass it out, but it wasn't the same :( 
(And btw, don't you think that's just a tad hypocritical?  You won't let your own children celebrate it, but you pass out candy to all the other kids who are?  WTF is that?)

Anywho, so this year we got invited to a halloween/costume/birthday party and AAA decided we needed to dress up.  At first I wasn't really into it cause I've never done it, most of the costumes in the store were skanky and made for an anorexic pre-teen and I'm just not usually that outgoing so I wasn't sure how fun it would be. But as the party got closer I got really excited about it.

Anyway, I had a BLAST!  It was so fun to see a bunch of "grown-ups" dressed up.  We had Pauly D and J Woww in the house, a Smurfette, Little Red Riding Hood, a doctor and sexy nurse, zorro and a senorita, a cowgirl, a 1920's Gangster, a flapper, Hulk Hogan, a witch, some fairies, Wonderwoman and idk who else cause I'm still exhausted from the party! 

Happy Halloween!