Please put your junk away

No, I wasn't talking to my children...I was talking to you.  Yeah, you....the guy with the not so impressive penis that's splashing his junk all over the internet!  Nobody wants to see that. Especially when they are just randomly looking at different blogs to find some new ones to read!  Do you have any idea how awkward it is to be confronted with your junk?  I wouldn't go spreading eagle and putting my lady lumps all in your face!
We know you're proud of it, but was it really necessary to decorate it in Christmas lights?!  I don't know how exactly, but I'm sure that's blasphemous.....And it's JUST PLAIN NASTY!  What if your mom/aunt/grandmother/sister/pastor's wife someday stumbles upon your blog?  What then?  How on earth are you going to explain to them that all the effort that was put into raising you resulted in you being a perverted jack ass that's flaunts his business for free?  I feel sorry for your mother......you are a horrible son

Dear Vodka, I miss you terribly

Dear Vodka,

I miss you terribly.  I know I pushed you away and I'm really sorry.....Really, Really, Really Sorry.  My life just hasn't been the same without you.....For instance, the other day, I saw a fat lady wearing spandex and I didn't even laugh!  It just made me sad that she would seriously let her 200 lb gut hang out of and over her spandex pants....however, seeing her reinforced my decision to stay away from you for a while....I will not become the fat lady in spandex.  I will (eventually) become the hot, thin chick in booty shorts....and to do that you and I must part ways....please take your friends crown and  budlight with you....someday we will meet again....I can guarantee it.....Until then I'll be thinking of you.....